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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

My Own Greatness

Sometimes I'm afraid that I can't do it. I honestly and truly think about what I want to do with my life everyday, and I feel that I can do it but I doubt myself all the time, everyday. I always wonder if I'm the only one that does that. Do successful people think like that? Or is it the people that don't achieve their dreams that think like that? Is it a trait that will push me to go further or push me to stop? It scares me a little bit because I've never reached the pinnacle of anything that I've ever started. I finished to a certain point, but I never reached my "full potential," what ever that may have been.

I played four years of college basketball, which most women do not get to do, but I didn't go on to play professionally. I could have but I chose not to. I found reasons not to do it. Or maybe they were excuses.  I technically went to college for 4 years but I don't have a degree. I started school 2 other times, but some how I managed to get pregnant both times and couldn't handle the stress of school, pregnancy and work. (That is definitely not going to happen this time. We took all necessary precautions. ;-))

I think that I am scared of my own greatness. I feel very deeply that God wants me to do great things when it comes to helping others. I think that scares me a little bit. I worry that its going to be just too hard. But then, I have a day like today where I get a quiz back and I got a 100% on it and I think "I didn't even study that hard and I did pretty damn good. What could I do if I applied myself totally and completely? Is that what I need to do to be a doctor? Can I do it or will I give up?" I think I've realized that failing scares me, but achieving my own greatness scares me even more.

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