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Thursday, May 5, 2011

I Surrender To You...I'm Trying Anyway

This has been a tough 2 weeks. I managed to tear my meniscus in my right knee last week while I was running, I feel like I have had test, after test that I've been studying for and then this week, my allergies have put me on my ass again (STUPID ALLERGIES!!!) and today I had to go to urgent care to make sure it was just my stupid allergies AND because I have managed to have an allergic reaction to something that has caused hives all over my face, chest, back arms and legs. REALLY??!!! She seemed to think that I am having a reaction to the Aleve my primary care physician told me to take for my knee. Freakin ridonkulous! But you know what, I'm good. I graduate next week, I totally kicked ass on my final lab practical (97% baby!) and Mother's Day is this weekend and I get to eat all of my favorite things. Steak, shrimp, homemade mac and cheese and grilled asparagus. Hopefully a couple of bottles of wine to help wash it down although I do have 2 finals on Monday so I don't know how that will work out. LOL! It's cool though. I got this! Not to mention, 3 days after I graduate I start my Bio 202 class (the 2nd anatomy & physiology class) which is all crammed into a wonderful 6 weeks. How exciting!

I have been totally obsessed with Oprah ever since she announced her show was ending. I have watched basically all of her shows this season and I record her everyday. When OWN (the Oprah Winfrey Network for those of you out of the know) started, I was watching on the very first day and trying to recruit everyone else to watch it. I am sadly counting down the days until her show ends (May 25). She has this show on OWN called Master Class where people who are great in their field talk about their journey to become successful and what drove them to get there. I was immediately excited about the show because she showed clips of Jay-Z and Maya Angelou episodes and they are 2 of my favorites. I didn't watch a few because they just weren't interesting people to me, but then I saw a commercial, only once, that showed she was going to have her own episode of Master Class. I was really excited because I find her so inspirational to have come where she came from and reach the heights she has reached. It ended up being a 2-part one and I watched the 1st one and had to record the 2nd. That was a month ago. I finally had a chance to watch it yesterday when my husband went to workout with some friends and my little people were occupied playing and watching cartoons. Let me preface this by saying, I have been facing a lot of inner turmoil concerning my decision to go to school full time and not work, leaving the financial burden to my husband. With him being out of work right now, I have felt that perhaps I needed to sacrifice my dream a little and work part time. I have struggled with it because I am very much an "independent woman" and I always worked for everything I wanted on my own. Just being a stay at home mommy since I lost my job in 2009 was very challenging to me because I didn't feel like I was doing enough for my family. The turmoil I face is feeling the need to contribute financially, yet feeling very at peace when I hear God telling me that to become a physician. I know this is where I am supposed to be and when I am supposed to be doing it. I have no question about that but I also know that we can choose to ignore what He shows us and continue on our own path. I have very fervently been asking Him to give me a sign to show me whether I should try to work or whether I should just continue on the path I am on. The first sign I got was that I received 2 times what I needed for my financial aid for the summer. For us that is almost a months worth of bills. But that wasn't enough for me. My prayer to Him was "God show me what I am supposed to do and make it so clear that I cannot possibly misread or misunderstand it. Help me to know that I am doing the right thing." So last week I hurt my knee. Then while I'm depressed about my knee and feeling like crap because of my stupid allergies (STUPID ALLERGIES!!) I watch Oprah. She was talking about what she's has gone through where she came from and she started talking about how she has always felt like she was going with the flow that God had for her. That she was very mindful and open to what He showed her and she was more than willing to follow His plan. She said that she felt that was the reason she had reached the success she had reached, because she always knew that He required more from her and she always felt that she was destined for more. She started talking about her getting the part in "The Color Purple," which is ironically one of my favorite books and movies. She said that she wanted it so bad that the only thing she prayed for after auditioning was to get the part. When she read in the audition, she was sure that the fact that she was playing Sophia, who is married to Harpo (Oprah spelled backwards) it was a sure sign that it was meant to be. She felt that it was all that she wanted in the world, even more than what she wanted for her show, which was not nationally syndicated yet. Oprah said that she felt that she was not going to get the part when she found out Alfre Woodard, "a real actress," was auditioning that it wasn't going to happen for her. She went to a fat farm in Wisconsin and while running around the track she began singing an old gospel song. Part of it goes, " I surrender to you, Lord I surrender to you..." She didn't believe the words when she first started saying them, she still didn't think that she wanted to actually see the movie when it came out without her in it, but day after day of singing the song and praying to give her the strength to surrender it over to Him, she was finally able to believe her words and allow it to totally be in God's hands. That same day she came to that realization, Steven Spielberg called her and said she got the part.

God has a way of doing things and showing you what it is you should be doing and when you are supposed to do it, but you have to be willing to listen. I have finally realized that in order to get where I want to be and where He wants me to be, I need to surrender to Him. I'm not saying that I believe it 100% right now, but I know that if I keep asking for the strength He will give me the strength to surrender. I truly feel that He wants me to do great things to help people and be the change I want to see in the world.

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