So it's official! I am scheduled to take the MCAT on April 17th! I am super freaked out!!!!!!! I have been struggling with studying consistently and fitting it all in. I took a practice test last week and I was very disappointed with my score. If I got that score on the real MCAT, I would never make it into medical school. Needless to say, I felt very deflated. I had to tell myself, and my husband helped, that I have only been studying for a month and that score is not indicative of what my final test score will be. It was still hard to swallow.
So I've been thinking about everything a lot lately and yesterday I had a "Come to Jesus moment." I did some yoga yesterday and was meditating/praying at the end. It was hard, but I had to allow myself to admit my fears, my anxiety and how little credit I give myself. I have come so far since I started school again 5 years ago. I had 3 goals then:
1. Get my Associates degree (Check!)
2. Get my Bachelor's degree (Check!)
3. Become a doctor (In progress)
I have accomplished 2 of my goals and I have done really well under the circumstances. I was able to juggle my monkeys, school and taking care of myself. This last goal feels so much bigger though. I think part of it is having this new little person who requires so much more of me and part of it is the overwhelming feeling that I can't do it, that it's just too much. But I digress, so realizing all that I have already accomplished and reminding myself that becoming a doctor is not only a choice I have made, it is my calling. I truly believe that God only asks certain people to live a life of service and he has asked that of me. Taking all of that in, I allowed myself to go through my fears, think about what would happen if I do not do well on the MCAT or if I don't get accepted to a medical school, and I let it go (mostly). I also had to remind myself of how I got to where I am now. I just did it! I did not make excuses, I kept myself accountable and I killed it! I have struggled with all of these things since having the baby. I know part of it is having a new baby and being the primary caregiver but part of it is figuring out how to juggle an additional item. I'll have to be creative, I'll have to be purposeful and I'll have to find new avenues to motivate myself. I know I can do it, I just have to figure out the best way for me to get there and be patient with myself. I have to be more prayerful and take everything as it come rather than becoming impatient and frustrated when my plans do not go as planned. I think part of that is also going to be me creating realistic goals in all aspects of my life: academic, family, and health. I can't say that I have it all figured out but I can say that I am working towards that direction.
"I am working for what my heart is saying."
"If it is both terrifying and amazing then you should definitely pursue it." ~ Erada