So I officially bombed my first test in organic chemistry. The last time I did this poorly on a test was when I was in college over 10 years ago playing basketball. I actually almost started crying during the test because I felt so overwhelmed with the information I did not know. It was the worst feeling ever. I got my test back yesterday and my instructor said that in the 12 years he has taught organic chemistry, this is the lowest class average he has ever had. I don't know if that should make me feel better or worse. I can say though that this has made me step back and re-evaluate what I am doing with my time and what I need to do to change the outcome next time. The few days after taking the test I had to be very prayerful because after taking it, I literally just checked out for the rest of the day. I didn't want to look at anything concerning school and I really just wanted to be in my own space which my husband completely understood. I allowed myself to be upset for the rest of the day and when I woke up in the morning I asked myself what I had to do so that I would not feel this way again. I prayed. I asked for understanding about what I needed to change and how I needed to react to this situation. What I discovered is I had not been dedicating the amount of time studying that I had in previous semesters. Previously, I had study time scheduled into my day when I was at school but my schedule now does not require me to stay for another class and I do not have any gaps in my schedule. I realized it wasn't the material that had changed, it was me and my focus. I also figured out that if I chose to work a 20 hour per week job, I would be sabotaging my own success. I am on the precipice of everything I have been working for the last 2 years falling into place and my decisions and actions now will determine where I am 2 years from now. I'll either be starting my 1st year of osteopathic school or figuring out what to do with my life, again.
Failure is not an option for me. The goal that I have is not a dream or even a wish, its a calling, it's the path that I am supposed to be on at the time I am supposed to be on it. I know where I am going, I am in control of how I get there.
"I am working for what my heart is saying."