I Feel Like I Am Breathing Being a Doctor

Two days before Christmas I wake up with the worst sore throat, so I go to urgent care and I have freakin strep throat. Really?! So I had to hibernate for a day and a half and then begin the preparation of THE FEAST. I made 2 apple pies Friday night, from scratch and then for Christmas I made a turkey that I had been brining for 16 hours (if you haven't tried a brined turkey you should, it's spectacular) and then we had roasted garlic mashed potatoes, greens, candied yams, a ham and then cranberries and rolls. It was so good. I love cooking for my family. It's not a big deal for a lot of people but I think food is an important part of memories that are created and cherished. You always remember your favorite foods that your mom or grandmother made as you grew up. I will always remember my Nana's tortillas ( I totally can't make mine like hers even with the same recipe) and her beans and rice. They were the best. I can use all the same ingredients she used, but mine just doesn't taste the same.  I didn't know any better when I was younger and I didn't write down any of her recipes so a lot of the things she made are lost to me. I'm trying to create my own food traditions with my family now.

Aside from that my Christmas was wonderful. My little guys got a whole bunch of presents and had so much fun seeing what "Santa" brought them. They are so amazing. My 3 year old got a basketball and he yelled at the window "Thank you Santa!" It was the cutest thing ever. Of course my ever so observant 6 year old asked me today why it was that Santa didn't get all of the things that he asked for on his list. I said sometimes Santa thinks that you need other stuff more. He seemed content with that answer but he was still thinking about it. He is so my son. I realized this Christmas that I had to be careful with the wrapping paper that I used for Santa's presents because he is so observant that he would notice that Mommy and Daddy used the same paper as Santa. He went to my mother's last weekend and she had some presents for him and told him that Santa had come to her house early to bring them. He told me,"Granny said that Santa had brought special presents to her house early, but I know that Granny got them. I saw the wrapping paper in the closet." Then he chuckled as if to say "Who does she think she's fooling?"

I got a couple presents from my aunt, uncle and my mother-in-law which I really liked but I have realized that the little stuff doesn't matter as much as having your family around and loving where your are in life, and I truly do right now. We don't have the money to buy everything we want all the time and having one care kind of sucks but I know it will be worth it. I watched this video today and this guy is talking about what it means to be successful. He said,"When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breath, then you will be successful." I am feeling that in so many ways and even through the doubts I have about the difficulties we may have financially while I am going to school, I know it is what I am supposed to be doing and I want it more than I've ever wanted anything else in my life. I feel like I am breathing being a doctor, like figuring out where my path is leading to has become part of me and I eat, sleep and breath it now. It feels as natural as being a mommy, there is no question as to whether or not I will do it, its just a matter of how I will do it. I love my life.

I've got lots of time!

I've been having a hard time feeling motivated to do anything since I officially started my winter break. My plan had been to start running everyday so that I can run a half marathon at the end of January but I just haven't been feeling like doing anything productive. I've gone to run one time since I finished my exams last Thursday, I feel like a lazy ass. I feel tired all the time. It's hard though because I have really bad allergies that have been bothering me for the last couple weeks and sometimes they make me tired, but in the back of my mind I wonder if there is another cause for my tiredness. I still think about the possibility of MS more than I would like. I have also been having more tingling in my extremities than I had been having. Being tired for no apparent reason is another symptom of MS. For those of you who don't know, Multiple Sclerosis (MS) is a disease where your body starts attacking the myelin sheath that protects your nervous system. It causes damage to your nervous system and will cause lesions in your brain. It progresses over time. You can have a sudden oncoming of symptoms where they all happen at the same time and don't go away, or you can have relapsing-remitting where there are times where the symptoms come and last days to months and then there are times of remission where there are no symptoms at all. I am NOT saying that I have this at all because I don't (let me say it again I DO NOT HAVE MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS!), but the doctor made it clear that it can take years to determine if someone has the disease sometimes and that I should continue to watch for symptoms and signs just in case. Its just a little scary sometimes.

Anywho, I made a list of all the things I want to get done before school starts again. I have about 10 things to do. One thing that I really want to get done that I've been putting off is making a personal mission statement and putting it up in my room so I can look at it everyday. I think it's really important and it might give me some extra motivation to get things done. I also want to make a quote board. If anyone knows of any good quotes, please post them in the comments, I love quotes. I also need to start going over my anatomy coloring book in hopes that it will actually help me in my anatomy & physiology class next semester. It's kind of a scary class because I know it's gonna be hard, I just don't know how hard it's going to be. I feel like I've already been on winter break for a week or something, but its only been 5 days, including a weekend, since I took my last exam. I've got lots of time!...if I don't procrastinate. Lol!

"Giving Liberates the Soul of the Giver"

I am so ready to be done with finals right now. My chemistry professor is making us do the chapter reviews for the last 3 chapters we did in class. It is so pointless. Although some of it pertains to what we went over in class, he doesn't really teach from the book and so we end up teaching our selves how to do stuff that he's not going to test on or go over again. I don't think he even checks the answers on most of them.  I think he just looks to see if we have something written down. I hate busy work. My other two finals I had today were not so bad and I passed both with As. Mentally, I'm done now so I just don't feel like doing anything else even though I totally understand it. Blah.

I had a marathon cookie making session yesterday because I wanted to take some to my professors and to my 3 year old's school. Everyone takes it as kissing ass, but I am by no means an ass kisser (I got fired from my last job because I wouldn't kiss ass), I just feel like the people who are in position to provide a service of some sort, whether it be child care or teaching, deserve to feel like the are appreciated and that someone thought enough of what they do to do something nice for them. My microbiology professor told me she had never had anyone do that before. I was appalled. She is one of the most amazing educators I have ever had, and I've had a few, she literally changed my life and I just don't see how no one else that she has ever taught felt the need to let her know that. I think that kind of recognition goes beyond a thank you or anything else you could say or do. I remember when I worked as an assistant branch manager for Chase Bank and I was getting ready to have my youngest son. I had a customer that brought me some outfits for him and 2 other customers who made blankets for him. I felt so good knowing that my customers appreciated me and how I was able to help them so much that they actually did something like that for me. You can never underestimate the impact an act of appreciation may have on someone. I try as much as I possibly can to let people know that they are doing a good job at whatever it is they do. I think that is one of the biggest downfalls of our society right now. Everyone feels like they are owed something and when someone does something for them, even if it is part of their job description, they don't have to be appreciative or thankful. What people overlook is that if they were willing to show their appreciation for the small things people do for them, those people would be more than willing to go above and beyond for them the next time. Another thing people underestimate is how it will make them feel to treat another human being with kindness. Half the reason I am nice to people is because it makes me feel good too and I feel like, if I can make someone smile everyday, I have done something good for the world.

"I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver." ~ Maya Angelou

I Get It Now

Thursday was the last day of class for this semester! Woo-hoo! As much as I enjoy school, I am ready for some me time and family time. I had a little freak out session Wednesday when I got one of my microbiology tests back because it brought my grade in that class down to a B, but I had to give myself a little pep talk. I'm good now and my grade actually went back up to an A when my lab instructor sent my grade, but I guess I learned my lesson about procrastinating when I need to do homework (this is the test I kept putting off) and trusting my gut when an answer doesn't sound correct. There was a problem that I was having a hard time understanding when they explained it in the book, but if I hadn't waited until the last minute I would have had time to think over the case study more and I probably would have tweeked the answer a little bit and I wouldn't have gotten half of the points taken off. At one point in my life I would have been more than OK getting a B, or just a passing grade in a class but my ambitions in life require so much more of me and I require so much more of myself now because I know what I am capable of and what I want that I just don't find "passing the class" to be enough for me.

I was talking to a lady this past weekend and she was saying that she has a daughter who is 23 years old and she was almost done becoming an RN and she ended up failing out of the program and over the summer got arrested for a DUI. She said she was so frustrated with her daughter because she just couldn't understand why her daughter would do that to herself. I just listened for a while and I really wasn't going to say anything, but I just couldn't help it. I told her my story. I told her that I had gone to college for 4 years and played basketball and didn't get my degree. I told her that I made the decision to get married at 22 despite the fact that no one in my life thought that it was a good idea. I told her that my ongoing motto was "I know what I'm doing" even though I had no idea what I was doing or really even why I was doing it. I told her that, at 32, I have finally figured out what path I am supposed to be on and I am determined to reach the end of it, no matter what, but in my 20s I would never have been able to get to that point because it wasn't in my heart to do and I didn't have the necessary tools to get there. It took me all of my 20s to understand and acquire the skills and mindset I need to be able to help people in the way that God has asked of me. I also told her that even though it kills her to see her daughter just not understand and get what it is she is trying to tell her, its just part of being young and wanting to be independent. No matter how many times you tell your child (of any age) not to do something, they don't learn until they do it for themselves and they don't like the outcome, whether it be a 3 year old who thinks hitting you with his head is funny until his head comes into contact with your knee (mine really did that LOL!) or a 22 year old getting married because the guy says all the right things and is doing all the wrong things but somehow it just sounds so good, until the guy becomes allergic to work and can't stop spending money and ends up in prison. At this age I can see both sides now. I finally get it.

My little dude is CRAZY!!

Why are little people so freakin stubborn? My 3 year old gets out of his bed every single night. He crawls his little butt into my older son's bed and starts talking to him and sitting on him, even if he's asleep. I guess it's a good thing my 6 year old sleeps super hard. I have to go in there at least 3 times to tell him to get back in his bed and to stop talking. Sometimes I just have my older son go to sleep in my bed to separate them and then he falls asleep fast and it doesn't take too long for the little one to go to sleep. He drives me crazy! He will keep his brother up for an hour sometimes playing that game. AND THEN, he will wake up at 5:30 in the  morning for no reason and go into my mother-in-law's room and start watching TV. If he doesn't do that, he starts yelling at the top of his lungs, "Daddy! Daddy!" Never Mommy, Mommy, only for Daddy. I guess that's good for me because then I have an excuse to not get up. LMAO! My little one makes me want to tear my hair out sometimes. It's so funny because at daycare he's a perfect angel. He doesn't talk a whole lot (they actually thought that he might have been delayed because he never talked at school, yet he yells and screams at home; I can't get him to be quiet!), he's very social with the other kids and likes to share the toys, he never cries (he cries for everything at home) and he's like the popular kid, everyone knows his name. When they explain him to me, its like they're talking about another kid. He's not bad, he's just very vocal and very loud and a lot of times everything is his. He's getting better about it, but if he doesn't get his way he will start screaming crying. It doesn't get him his way because I don't roll like that, but he wants everyone to know that he is pissed.

He's pretty much the opposite of my older son. My big guy is very shy around people he doesn't know well, he will cry if you make him talk and he doesn't fell comfortable, he has his loud moments, but most of the time we are trying to get him to talk louder. He is pretty mellow and although he gets upset if he doesn't get his way, he's not a screamer and only did that for a little while in his "Terrible Twos." Little people are so amazing. I wonder if we had another child, what would he/she be like? I guess it would be a flip of the coin.

Speaking of another little person, why is it that everyone thinks I'm crazy for wanting to have another child before I start medical school? It's not like I'm the only woman in the world who thought about that. I have read in some forums that some women are having children or have had children during medical school or during their residency (now I think that's a little crazy) and they are still able to get it done. Why is it so crazy? As it is I wake up at 6 in the morning and don't go to sleep until past 11, sometimes past 1. I go to school, get my little people up and going, get my husband up and going, do homework with my older son, do my own homework, get dinner done, or at the least buy it, go to football practice twice a week, go to my night lab once a week, and sometimes I find time for myself to have a little nap. Oh and on top of that I take my husband to work and pick him up between 11 and 1 at night. To me fitting in another little person is wouldn't be that big of a deal. AND, I sure don't want to be 39 or 40 and having a baby because that's how old I would be if I waited until after med school. That's gonna be a hell to the naw!!

Get Your Ass Up and Go Run!!

I am very ready for the end of this semester. Not because I don't want to be there, but because I feel like I have been neglecting myself a little bit. I am actually excited about my grades this semester because I was able to maintain my 4.0 GPA and I really learned a lot this semester. I have had to put my running and working out on the back burner a little because my schoolwork and my little people are just more important a lot of the time. I still sneak in a run here and there, but I really like doing it on a regular basis and on a schedule. I think that learning to schedule ME time now will help me in the future though. It really is going to be a necessity in medical school and even when I'm getting my undergrad.

So I've decided that I am going to run at least 5 times a week during the 5 weeks I am on winter break. That sounds so ambitious doesn't it? I think I can do it though. I may even try to do 6 days. I found this half marathon that I could possibly do at the end of January and I think if I really ramp up my running I can do it. I have even found a few shorter runs I may participate in. It's so nice to have a goal to reach with my running. It's funny because I haven't consistently worked out for more than a month or 2 since I played basketball in college almost 10 years ago. I always found an excuse or I simply did not have the time. Either way, it just wasn't a priority but in the last 6 months that I have been working out fairly consistently, I have felt better physically than I have in the last 10 years altogether. I underestimated how much I needed it in my life and now that I have found something that I enjoy doing so much, I don't know how I could ever stop. I have become that annoying ass friend who tries to get you to go workout with them all the time. I keep on trying to get my husband to come run with me but he said it would be too much since he hasn't really worked out since the beginning of the year. Lazy ass! No, I'm kidding. I'm kind of hard core though because I like to push myself. Really I don't know how to work out any other way. I'm the biggest procrastinator of them all but once I get there I'm all over it. So if anybody out there needs a running buddy, even if its through text and email, HOLLA! No really, I do not mind waking your ass up to go workout because it will motivate me to get up on the days that I keep pushing the snooze button.

My Nana Was the Bomb!

I was thinking the other day that maybe its weird that I don't really talk about a person who had an immense impact on my life. And I don't just mean in this blog, I mean in general, I just don't really talk about my Nana. She is my mother's mother and she is who I truly consider my mom because she made me who I am today. My mother and uncle and aunt had a big impact (some more than others) as well but she is why I am who I am today. She really was amazing. She died in 2001, my senior year in college. I actually did not finish my spring semester of school because she knew she was dying and she wanted me with her. As much as she brought me comfort, I guess I brought her comfort as well. I dream of her every so often and I believe my boys have seen her because kids have a special sense that we lose as adults. My older son has said that he had a dream about his Grandma and that she had blue eyes (my Nana's eyes appeared to be blue because she was blind) and curly hair (my Nana liked perms. Lol!). She just had a way of making you feel like you were the most important person in the world when you were talking to her. She was the best storyteller. She was so loving. My hope is to love my boys and the people around me the way that she loved.

Anyway, I was thinking about my Nana recently because I think that she would be so proud that I have decided to become a doctor despite the fact that I have little people because, even though she never said it, I think she always wished she had taken the opportunity she had to go to college and get her degree after she got divorced from my grandpa. I think that she would be proud that even though I'm a little scared, I'm still doing it. I think that I have also been thinking about her because I miss having that support that is without condition and doesn't play the tit-for-tat game that other people in my life play. I miss having that mother figure in my life. As a woman, you want a mother to go to at times because she understands things that other people don't and she has wisdom to share that can be life altering. I think that I miss her more now that I'm a mommy than I did when she first died. She always just got me.

The only jewelry I wear are 2 rings. One is my wedding ring and the other is a ring with footprints on it that I got in Santa Fe in 1999 on my way to West Texas A&M to play basketball and go to school. My Nana got a matching ring. When she died I placed her ring in the coffin. I guess, in a way, that is my way of talking about her in a non-verbal way. It's my way of carrying a piece of her with me all the time. I love you Nana.

My Brain is Tired

Is it weird that I'm kind of sad the semester is almost over? I had to do a lot of work to keep my grades up and it wasn't without bitching and moaning a little, but I really did enjoy what I learned this semester and I very much liked the people I got to meet. It will be nice to not worry about turning in assignments for a while and reads some books that I have been wanting to read, or reread; plus I get to spend more time with my little monsters and my husband too which is my favorite part. I also get to get back on track with working our and running, especially running. I actually crave running when I don't for a few days. I took my older son running with me today. We ran a little over 2 miles and he was a soldier. He got a little tired at the end and he told me, "Mommy I just have to push myself." I was impressed. I think that running might give us some quality time together. It really has become an important part of my life. I really want to do a half marathon or at least a 5k or 10k. I really wanted to do the local rock n roll marathon that is in January, but I'm gonna have to pray and think about that one a little more because it costs a good amount to register. Well, I kind of feel like my brain is tired.

I Would Die for Him Because I Love Him

I had an awesome weekend with my little people and my husband. We didn't do anything special, just kind of hung out. Except for Black Friday. That was utter craziness! People are like animals. My husband just kept saying,"Look at all the savages!" It was pretty entertaining. We got all the stuff we wanted, which really wasn't all that interesting (I did make waffles 2 times with my new waffle maker though and I'm totally making pancakes next weekend with my new griddle). My little monsters loved their PJs with matching slippers. We had a good time together though and that's all that really mattered to me. I would totally do it again just to spend some time with my husband.

Aside from that, I spent 8 hours Saturday finishing my take home case study exam. It took awhile but I got it done. I would be lying if I said I sat and did it for 8 hours straight, I took breaks and stuff. Distractions! What can I say I'm totally ADD. It felt good to get it done though and yesterday I got my last take home case study exam for the semester. It is due Dec. 9th and then finals are the week after. No procrastinating this time though, that's what I say now and I haven't even started it yet. Lol. As much as I bitch about all the work I'm doing in this class and how hard it is, this is by far my favorite class and I love the information I'm learning. It makes me want to delve deeper in to the information and learn more. I'm really looking forward to taking a more in depth microbiology class in the future. It is not at all what I expected it to be, it's been so much more. This microbiology class helped me make my decision to become a doctor. I have the most amazing professor that made me want to learn. I can only hope that the professors I will have in the future will be as wonderful.

I had the most amazing conversation with my 6 year old today. This is how it went:

Me: So do you love Tata (his grandpa)?
Him: I don't know.
Me: Well do you love your brother?
Him: I don't know.
Me: What do you mean you don't know?
Him: I don't know.
Me: Can you say something other than I don't know?
Him: I just don't know if I love them.
Me: Well do you like your brother?
Him: Well he hits me sometimes and he yells at me.
Me: Yea, he does but you still always want to play with him and you like spending time with him right?
Him: Yea I do. He's funny.
Me: Would you let someone hurt your brother?
Him: No.
Me: Would you protect him?
Him: Yes.
Me: Well this is how I look at loving someone. I love you and your brother very much and I would do anything in the world to protect you guys and make sure you guys are OK. I would even die for you if I had to because you guys are so important to me.
Him: I would do anything for my brother, I would die if something happened to him. I would die for him because I love him.

It was the sweetest thing I have ever heard my little guy say. I almost started to cry but I was driving. I love my little people!

Food Stamps, No Really

So on my way to class this morning, traffic was really backed up and I couldn't figure out why. By the time I got to the place that was holding up traffic, I realized it was the St. Mary's Food Bank and people were lined up to get their food for Thanksgiving. It made me appreciate the fact that we don't have to go stand in line for food, but at the same time I know how close we are to having to stand in that line every week just to feed our kids. I never thought I would have to rely on state assistance to help me take care of my family. I never realized how easy it would be to get to the point that it was necessary. I know that at this point I have chosen to go to school and not work, but even if that was not the case I would have to make upwards of $30,000/year in order to cover everything that we get for assistance. Unfortunately the jobs that pay that much are looking for grossly overqualified people to hire and I do not always fall into that category.

This is so much bigger than what we're going through though. I can only imagine how many people are living on the verge of not being able to feed their families. It's kind of scary. What if they decided that food stamps needed to be cut like they did the health insurance last year? Can you imagine how many families that could affect? Last year when they cut the KidsCare Insurance for Parents, my husband and I lost out coverage that we were actually paying a premium to receive. Around that time I had a little bit of a health scare and my doctor thought I had several symptoms of MS. I had to hurry up and get the tests I needed in order to get a diagnosis. Fortunately, they determined that, as of right then, I did not have MS but imagine if I did. I was losing my health coverage and could have possibly been denied coverage when we would have been able to get it again because of a pre-existing condition.

If my husband and I lost our food stamps right now, I would have to work just to have food to eat and then we would lose all other assistance (medical coverage, child care). On top of that we would have to pay for child care. This may seem repetitive to those who have been reading my blog, but so many people downplay the importance of the assistance the state provides and why it would be devastating for those programs to be cut. A lot of people feel like it could never happen to them when the reality of the situation is that in our current economy, it is extremely possible and it is happening everyday. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would have to get any assistance once my husband and I got married. I thought that all we needed was our 2 incomes and we would be OK. When I lost my job we were still pretty comfortable, but when my husband lost his job as well, we were SOL. Getting that assistance was all that we had.

All I can say now is I get it. By no means am I condoning the people who live on welfare and section 8 and food stamps and child care and medical assistance for years and years and have no intention to work or find a job. That I do not believe is right, BUT the programs are there for a reason and we pay taxes to provide these programs to people who truly need them, who are down on their luck and need to get back on their feet and can't do it by themselves. For people who are trying to get to a better place in their lives and give back to their communities. I get that and my family is living that reality. I understand. I hope you understand a little more now too.

Totally Random Thoughts and Coffee

I have a take home test for microbiology that I am supposed to be doing right now and I just can't seem to find the focus to do it right now. The rough draft is due Wednesday and the final draft is due Saturday, the day before my birthday. Blah! I am ready for this semester to be over already. I feel like I need to regroup right now before this next semester because it's going to be tough. I will be taking anatomy & physiology, chemistry 151, trigonometry, and statistics. It's really just a precursor for what I will be doing when I get to ASU and beyond that.

I want to reread a book that I read over the summer. It's called The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey. Its one of the best books I have ever read. It really helps you find ways to stay motivated and inspire yourself. That seems to be what I struggle with the most, staying motivated day after day. I know I will get there but the road seems so long. I guess what it really comes down to is taking a little at a time and not overwhelming myself with the big picture because that seems to be what discourages me. That and continually reminding myself why I am doing what I am doing. It comes back to what I wrote about my motivation previously, I have to see what it is I don't want so that I can find what it is I do want.

I have found that writing this blog is a very cathartic experience. It makes me examine myself in a way that can be uncomfortable to talk about with other people. Writing allows you to get your complete thought out and edit if you need to before sharing it with anyone else. Sometimes that is a good thing. It actually allows me to get more of my idea out than I normally would. I speak and act very purposefully so sometimes things are left unsaid for me. Anywho, this is super random today. It must be the SUPERCHARGED Circle K coffee!

Black Freakin Friday

I never got the whole Black Friday thing when I worked in retail. I would just watch all the crazy people wake up early, fight over stuff and pile their carts with s#$t they didn't really need. Its been a while since I worked in retail (like 5 years) and I am totally about to be one of the crazy people. I am going to Kmart on Thanksgiving day, because it totally opens at 6am, then we're staying up until midnight to go to Walmart, but really we have to be there at like 10pm and then we're gonna go to Target at 4am but probably have to be there at like 3am. We will be visiting Circle K for their SUPERCHARGED coffee, if you haven't had it before its like a caffeine IV. What craziness!

Really though, I'm excited that I get to spend time with my husband and we get to get stuff for our little people. For those of you who don't know, I call my kids my little people but their not little by any means, they're freaking huge! I bought my 6 year old pants a month ago that were supposed to be a little big so he could wear them for a while and before he had a chance to wear them he already barely fits them. I had to go return them. What the hell is that about!! My boys are gonna be monsters. He's gonna be taller than me before high school, I swear!

So we're strategizing (is that a word?) about who's gonna go where in the store first and I've been looking at my Black Friday ads since last month and they even have maps that tell you where stuff will be in the store, but those don't come out until Thursday. I feel as though I shouldn't know that. I see why people do it though, its like an espionage mission and you have to create the best plan for attack. Now I'm am not trying to fight anyone for anything, but let someone act crazy. LOL! Just kidding, I don't fight....unless they hit first. LMAO! I feel like the crazy Target lady in the commercials though. If you haven't seen them, Target has their own YouTube channel and she is freakin hilarious. I totally want to buy a red spandex outfit with some red heels to wear when we go shopping and start doing crunches on the big red balls in front of the store while I do bicep curls with the handbaskets. You will only get how funny that is if you have seen the commercials.

Now, back to the shopping plan. And maybe some homework. See? "Important" distractions.

What Is My Motivation?

I think the biggest thing that I struggle with right now is myself. I know what I need to do to achieve the goals that I have but I have a hard time keeping myself motivated on a daily basis and not procrastinating. In my microbiology class we get take home tests that are in the form of case studies. We usually have a week to do them and we have to do a certain amount of research to answer the questions. I have had the test since Monday and even though I know that I should have been working on it everyday, I managed to find excuses or allow myself to get distracted. In the past I allowed my willingness to allow myself to get distracted and my lack of motivation to be reason enough to quit whatever it was that I was doing.

The hardest thing for me to do is to stay motivated to finish things. In the beginning I'm great about it and I do everything I'm supposed to do, but then at some point other things become more important. Sometimes its my kids, sometimes its sleep (who really needs that though right? LOL!), sometimes its the "important" things like watching Oprah or Grey's Anatomy. I guess there will always be something that can distract me from my goals.

One of my biggest distractions right now is worrying about finances. Since my husband is the only one working and I'm not getting unemployment anymore, finances are kind of tight. We pay all of our bills and have not been late, but no matter how hard you try not to, you want the things you can't have or can't afford especially with the holidays coming up. It doesn't help that my husband has a job he hates but the reality of the situation is that he has to stay there unless something better comes along. In reality, we have enough money to pay all our bills and have a small cushion, but the temptation is always there to say:

"Forget school. Go back to work and then you can afford to buy crap you really don't need. On top of that you will have to pay daycare which will take at least half of your check, you will no longer get any assistance from the state and if you did want to go to school part-time, you would have to probably pay for it all out of pocket because you would make too much money to get financial aid. Then you can work some place you really hate for the rest of your life and always wish you had finished school. And by the way, when you tell your sons that they should finish what they start, they will tell you why should they when you didn't."

  I may have to print that out and read it everyday. That is my motivation.

1st Grade Homework

My 6-year old son gets to use scissors, glue sticks and crayons for his homework. Sometimes I wish I got to use that stuff. It's so fun sometimes. LOL! He whines and complains that his homework is so hard and I'm asking him to do so much, but then he does it and he understands what he learned from it and he's happy about it. I guess its not much different than what we do as adults in college. As much as I sometimes complain about how much homework I have and how stressed out I am and how much sleep I'm not getting, I really love the stuff I'm learning about. I see value in it and it makes me want to continue to learn. I wonder if my son feels that way as he's learning in school. I hope that he does and one of the reasons I want so badly to succeed is so that he can have someone in his life who loves what they do in life. That is my biggest wish for my boys, to find what they are passionate about and love, and do that for a lifetime. They're happiness is so important to me. I still wish I got to use crayons and glue sticks and scissors more often for my homework though. LMAO!!

27 Hours a Day

I've been feeling freakin tired lately. So tired that I haven't been working out like I want to. A few months ago I had signed up to do a half marathon. I had to raise money and in return they would pay for the entry fee and the hotel room (it was in Vegas). They also had coaches that helped you train properly and group training sessions to give you support. I started a few weeks early because I wanted to see if my knee could take it (I have old basketball knees) and to see if I liked it. I absolutely loved it! I did it for the a couple of months, but then the fundraising became an issue because I simply didn't have the time. My schoolwork and my sanity were more important. I decided not to do the half marathon in Vegas but I am still considering doing one locally in January. I am trying to continue running 3-4 times a week but lately I have had so much school work and my husband and I only have one car so I am picking him up at 1 a.m. from work every night, that catching up on my sleep and keeping my grades up has been my priority. I still run once or twice a week but its just not enough. I was feeling so good when I was running. It was something I did for me and only me to make myself feel good and now I feel like I'm neglecting myself. We have one car right now because it is all we can afford since I am in school and not working so I absolutely feel responsible for picking up my husband. It's like I have to choose between being tired because I missed some sleep to go run or not feeling like a zombie because I caught up on some sleep but feeling like I'm not making myself a priority.

Isn't that the Mommy Dilemma? Trying to put yourself on your priority list but feeling like everything else and everyone else is more important. And then you feel guilty because you want to take some time for yourself. Logically I know that I need that time for myself, but sometimes, especially lately, everything else seems so much more important. If I only had 3 more hours a day, everything would be spectacular.

Sometimes, they drive me crazy.

I love my little monsters with all my heart, but some days they truly drive me up the wall. My 3 year old has this habit of asking the same question over and over and over again even when I answer him or saying Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, etc. like 20 times!! I answer, but at times I find myself tuning him out without even trying. I think we all do that as moms. You kind of have to do it to maintain your sanity. LOL! No really.

I think sometimes we all just get tired from life though and we need a day to just do nothing but rest or everything our kids do irritates us. I used to feel guilty for having those days, but I found that I get so stuck in the Super Mommy role where I feel like I have to do everything and clean everything and get my whole to do list done in one day and study for school and go running and make dinner, should I go on? No really, I would get stuck feeling like I had to do all those things and never get tired. And then I would all of a sudden be totally exhausted and not understand why I was yelling at my kids and talking crazy to my husband. I try to take one day off a week and sleep in and just do nothing but I had to kind of gave up on sleeping in. Every single day that I try to sleep it is the day my 3 year old wants to wake up at 6:30 a.m. Every single time! It goes with the job though. I've conceded to that fact so I live off naps when I can and lots and LOTS of coffee.

They may drive me crazy some days, but they are outnumbered by the days that they make me smile. They really are pretty cool little people, even when they do everything in their power to make me crazy, I still smile when they give me hugs and kisses and especially when my 6 year old tells me I'm a good mommy and my 3 year old tells me he misses me (that's his way of saying he loves me). Little people are awesome.

My Own Greatness

Sometimes I'm afraid that I can't do it. I honestly and truly think about what I want to do with my life everyday, and I feel that I can do it but I doubt myself all the time, everyday. I always wonder if I'm the only one that does that. Do successful people think like that? Or is it the people that don't achieve their dreams that think like that? Is it a trait that will push me to go further or push me to stop? It scares me a little bit because I've never reached the pinnacle of anything that I've ever started. I finished to a certain point, but I never reached my "full potential," what ever that may have been.

I played four years of college basketball, which most women do not get to do, but I didn't go on to play professionally. I could have but I chose not to. I found reasons not to do it. Or maybe they were excuses.  I technically went to college for 4 years but I don't have a degree. I started school 2 other times, but some how I managed to get pregnant both times and couldn't handle the stress of school, pregnancy and work. (That is definitely not going to happen this time. We took all necessary precautions. ;-))

I think that I am scared of my own greatness. I feel very deeply that God wants me to do great things when it comes to helping others. I think that scares me a little bit. I worry that its going to be just too hard. But then, I have a day like today where I get a quiz back and I got a 100% on it and I think "I didn't even study that hard and I did pretty damn good. What could I do if I applied myself totally and completely? Is that what I need to do to be a doctor? Can I do it or will I give up?" I think I've realized that failing scares me, but achieving my own greatness scares me even more.

This is new to me!

I don't know if anyone will actually be interested in what I have to say but I thought I would give it a shot because people keep telling me that what I have to say might touch someone else. Just a little bit about myself, I am 31 (I'll be 32 in 20 days; you just get older after 30, right?), I am married to the most wonderful man who supports whatever it is that makes me happy and I have two boys who just celebrated birthdays and are 3 and 6. I played college basketball but didn't get my college degree because most coaches don't really care about that. I met a fellow ball player and eventually got married. I call it my "practice" marriage so that when I married my current husband I already knew how to cook, how to clean and how to be with someone without losing myself. Somewhere between the practice marriage and the perfect marriage, I got pregnant with my oldest son. It was just him and I until he was 2 1/2 years old and we met my current husband. Times were tough when we were by ourselves. I worked in some jobs I thought I really liked but when it really came down to it I was doing what I needed to do to pay the bills. We had our second son and got married all in the same year. I lost my job almost a year later and I feel like it was the best thing to ever happen to me. I hated my job and my performance showed it. I got to spend real quality time with my little monsters. It was the first time I had really been able to do that. I looked for a job for a while but then I realized how much I would have to make in order to be able to pay for daycare for my boys. Nearly half of my check was going to daycare and I made pretty good money and I had pretty cheap daycare. It just didn't seem worth it. I started praying and asking God to give me signs as to what I was supposed to do with my life, what path I was supposed to be on. I asked him to give me signs that I couldn't ignore, that were very obvious. I started hearing these commercials every time I got into the care without fail about being a physical therapist assistant. I finally got enought courage to look up the information and go to the school. I was told that there was a 2 year waiting list to get in the program and another 2 years to complete the program. It seemed crazy to me that it would take 4 years minimum and it was just to get a certificate. My thoughts then turned to just going all the way and becoming a physical therapist. It would only take 2 more years and would be more of a challenge, which I liked. I found the information I needed online about what I needed to do to get my doctorate in physical therapy, what bachelors' I needed to obtain and which schools were in-state that I could attend. I decided to get my bachelors in kinesiology at Arizona State University but start at a local community college to get myself ready after my 10 year layoff from school and to get some prerequisites out of the way. I started last spring (2010) and although I was intitially really nervous, I did really well and found some incredible instructors. I have found that the work that I did and the fact that I have reached a certain maturity level, make school a lot easier than I remember it the first time. I truly enjoy my classes and I can see the value that they have in what I plan on doing. I have found so much value in fact that I have found that although being a physical therapist could be really fulfilling, becoming a physician is where my heart is and really has been a lifelong dream that I let go of the first time I went to college.

I found that there are 2 osteopathic schools here in Arizona, which they did not have before, and getting in to one of them would allow me to not have to move my kids to another state and away from our family. If all else fails there is also UofA Medical School. I know it will be hard and I am a little bit scared but I can't go a day without thinking about the lives I could change being a doctor. The road will be long (probably 7 years between my bachelors, taking time to study for my MCAT and going to medical school) but I feel like it will be worth it not just for me, but for my kids as well. I want nothing more than for them to be "productive members of society" and become whatever their potential holds but I know it is almost impossible if they don't have role models to see doing the same thing. I guess I'll be talking about the ups and downs of being in school while trying to figure out how to be a good mommy, a good wife, a great student and still have time to be good to me. Maybe I've bitten off too much. We will have to wait and see.